eBay

eBay has been advertising a new slogan: "It's more fun when you win it!"

This slogan beat out of variety of other competitors, such as:
"It's more fun when you pay more for shipping than the actual item itself"
"It's more fun when you wait 4 weeks for your product to arrive!"
"It's more fun when you buy from a Burmese scam artist!"
and of course "It's more fun when your purchase bears no resemblance to the quality of the picture you saw online!"

The Kids Are All High

Entertianment Tonight has announced they won't be airing footage they obtained allegedly showing Heath Ledger doing drugs at a party.

I don't understand what the big deal is. I would be far more shocked if someone had a video showing Heath Ledger turning down drugs at a party. Can you imagine that? "Hey Heath, you're a rich, young, attractive award winning Hollywood star, why don't you help me do all this free cocaine with these hot female starletts?"


"Nah, I'm alright."


That would be shocking. And appauling. Especially now that he's dead: he could have done as much as he wanted and it wouldn't have effected him in old age.

The Top 2 Reasons You Smell Like Urine

After much pondering, I have determined the top 2 reasons why you may smell like urine:

Reason #1: You urinated on yourself.
Reason #2: Someone else urinated on you.

2007 ConTechie Awards -- recognizing the finest in Internet ballyhoo!

Welcome to the 1st Annual ConTechie Awards presented by the editors of Consolidated Technological Industries (actual award seen at right).

Our award may look familiar... Well, due to the writer's strike we were able to scoop up some left over Golden Globes at below cost, but trust me, once we get the Coen Brothers name scratched off the engraving, this is going to be quite an honor. Just call it: No Award for Overrated Men.

In accordance with the desires of our deceased founder, all winners are picked by a blind monkey on an ole timey typewriter. And here we go:

2007's Best Website for Throwing Away Your Money on Something Stupid
a 2-way tie between http://www.ebay.com/ and http://www.ronpaul2008.com/

2007's Most Under-Googled Phrase
"finger lickin' gay" (0 results found)

2007's Top Google Image Result for "Fat Guy in a Chair"

This guy:

2007's Best Internet Forum for Actively Engaging in a Debate That Has Been Solved for Hundreds of Years:

http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/

2007's Worst Map to Have If You Actually Need Help Getting Somewhere

The map of the Internet:

(released in June 2007)

...MORE AWARDS TO COME!!!!

Dogs w/ Coats

Here is the law I propose:

No person may buy a dog a coat unless that person can prove he or she has purchased a coat for every human being on Earth.

...or if the coat-wearing dog can do its own laundry.

thoughts on Rambo

"Rambo?" my girlfriend questioned. "Isn't he the guy who went up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum?"

Now THERE is a movie. Rambo, machines gun blazing, riding a tank up the Art Museum steps, gunning down tourists along the way.

--------

As the discussion inevitably continued, someone inquired whether the new Rambo was a remake of the original Rambo. Silly fools.

You see, there was no original Rambo. The "first Rambo" is actually called First Blood. Rambo was the lead character of this movie. But by the time the sequel came out (I assume despite being totally uninformed and having done no research), the character had become more of a brand than the movie title, thus, First Blood 2, was called Rambo: First Blood 2. Now here is where it gets tricky: what should have been "First Blood 3", or possibly, "Rambo 2: First Blood 3", was called, simply -- and gracefully might I add -- Rambo 3 (officially making it the most illogically numbered movie franchise outside of The Naked Gun movies, whose odd numbers were done purposefully for comedic effect).

At this point, the producers obviously realized that the name Rambo was still wide open for taking (since it was previously tagged with "First Blood 2"), thus "Rambo 4" was christened nothing more than Rambo.

So lets review, the "first Rambo movie" is called First Blood, but is widely referred to as Rambo. Since "First Blood 2" was less marketable than Rambo: First Blood 2, the second film is also called Rambo (no one is going to say Rambo: First Blood 2 in casual conversation). Rambo the third is called Rambo 3, despite there officially being no Rambo 2. And Rambo 4, once again for marketing purposes in an effort to restart the franchise is also just called plain old Rambo.

Meaning, essentially, you have a four film movie franchise that is called, in order: Rambo, Rambo, Rambo 3 and Rambo.

Good work guys.

Oh, number of these movies I have actually seen: 0.
Thus nothing I said may be accurate. Shrug.

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

Who created the denominations for U.S. currency?

A quick review: we have the penny -- that's 1 cent. Then we have the nickel, aka 5 cents. The dime follows at 10 cents, and the quarter, the mightiest of the change, comes in at 25 cents.

At 100 cents, they tried to push us another coin, but no matter how many Indians, women or presidents they put on it, we still prefer the dollar, and thus paper currency begins to rule.

We have the $1 bill, the oft forgotten $2 bill, then the $5, the $10 and the $20. At the top of the US monetary chain sits the $100, which for quite some time is the largest paper money a man can handle.

What is the logic behind this system? The most glaring fault (outside of the much maligned $2 bill) is that in change we have a 25 cent piece but in paper the bill is 20. Systematically, these two counterparts between paper and metal should be brethren, but somewhere along the way the paper brother lost a chromosome.

But look at is this way: it takes 5 pennies to make a nickel, 2 nickels to make a dime, 2.5 dimes (oh the peril!) to make a quarter, and 4 quarters to make a dollar. It takes five dollars to make a $5 bill, two $5 bills to make a $10, two $10 bills to make a $20 and five $20 bills to make a Benji.

The real kink in this chain is anything of the denomination of 10. Without a dime, change would go from a penny times FIVE to make a nickel, times FIVE to make a quarter, times FOUR to make a dollar. Logical right? Paper would look like this: a dollar times FIVE to get a $5, times FOUR to get a $20, times FIVE to get a hundo. Logical right?

Which brings me to my real point. FUCK F.D.R. and FUCK HAMILTON!!

Hot Investor Tip: The Weather Channel??

Investors may be interested to learn that last week it was announced that The Weather Channel will be put up for sale.

I have a better idea: why not start your own weather channel? Because, seriously, what is anyone actually buying here? An uninventive name? A standard type font on 80s-computer-screen blue background logo that even the worst of first year graphic design students could have whipped together after an all-night drinking binge? Access to weather information that can be readily obtained anywhere else at any moment?

Actually, maybe investors would be interested in a cadre of shows who's names no one knows or remembers, or the contracts of forgettable on-air talent who weren't able to secure better jobs as anchors at small market CW affiliates.

Though if someone did buy it, you could implement this delightful new slogan:
"The Weather Channel -- The most inconvenient way to get your weather!"

Election Advice

A few pieces of helpful advice for the upcoming election year:

1) If your vote is not the same as the majority of other voters, do not plan on your candidate winning.
2) When you are at your polling place, make sure to look around carefully: if more than half of the people there are a different race than you are, you might as well go home.
3) Election math: just because 40% of people might be willing to vote for a woman to be president, and 40% of people might be willing to vote for a black to be president, does not mean that 80% of people are willing to vote for a black woman to be president.
4) No matter who you are, and no matter who's running, the Green Party candidate has smoked more marijuana than you have.